I am so fucking pissed right now. I have been so chill and relaxed the last few months and I have felt pretty awesome about it. Tonight however marks “Extreme Reggie’s” semi-return from retirement. There are a few things that can always make me quite vexed and this is definitely one of them, west coast vibe be damned!
- *disclaimer** : To the dudes from the band that posted this message, if any of you ever read this, please know that I love you and I don’t mean to single you out. This is not personally directed at you but simply points out a problem I see in the industry as a whole. This has nothing to do with my personal relationship with you. I am not an idiot and am fully aware that, no matter how awesome I am or think I would be on tour with you, there are reasons why I could never be the girl to go on tour with you. Now with that being said………
My friend Rachell recently posted on her blog about the “click” moment when a women realizes or defines herself as a feminist. Like her, I have always considered myself a feminist but there have been several moments in my life when I can undeniably align myself with the dirty label of “feminist”. I have been pondering when that moment was for me so that I could respond to her post. For all intensive purposes I can say that tonight has been one of those moments and perhaps even one of the biggest I’ve ever had.
Driving my cousin to the airport I saw a post from a band, which will remain unnamed. This was the message:
“We need someone to come out with us to sell merch! What do you get? A damn good time, places to sleep, food, a damn good time (again), a chance to travel the country for free!!! Hit me up if you’re interested. Must be 18+ with a penis. No vaginas allowed. That would just cause problems… haha”
It has officially become one of those “click” moments for me. After reading it I just got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach followed by the need to yell “fuck that shit” at the top of my lungs, scaring the crap out of my cousin sitting next to me. I flew home after dropping him off at a good 90 mph so that I could sit down and type out all the thoughts that were racing through my head. Linkin Park came on the radio and I turned the volume on full blast so that it could provide me with some of the release that it did back in my angry teen high school days (its okay laugh if you need to, I did….).
This ironically also comes after an hour long discussion I had tonight with a good friend back home about my pursuing a career in the music industry. I can honestly say that this is one of the number one reasons why I have hesitated in pursuing something real in the industry. I have had some of the best times of my life at shows and met some of the most amazing people I know at them too. It’s why I want to go into the industry, I want to keep it all going because its been such an important part of my life. But it’s simply exhausting knowing I will have to fight things every step of the way and who the hell wants to willingly join up for something like that? Sure, I shouldn’t care and maybe work to change things, but god damn is it everywhere!
I am so fucking sick of seeing/hearing ads and comments like this. It’s fucking bullshit and I have no idea why its okay to post/advertise/say shit like this. Its like advertising that you don’t take black people on tour. You wouldn’t be caught dead saying some shit like that so why is it okay to do so with chicks? In the end the reasons end up being trivial and only have to do with your own inability to control yourself and you should probably learn some of that….its needed a lot throughout life.
And trust me, I have heard all the reasons why girls can’t/shouldn’t go on tour, and I’ve even met some of them too. I get it…some of the time. But this is the line that kills me: “No vaginas allowed. That would just cause problems… haha”. WHAT?? Problems for you?? WHY? You’re too stupid/disrespectful/sexually driven to keep your dick in your pants and NOT hit on a chick? If so you probably should not be allowed out in public or to interact with others. Individuals like you are a danger to society.
It’s just ridiculous. Being a chick myself that has worked for bands previously, its a fucking headache. To constantly have to be dealing with dudes hitting on you/trying shit, etc. It’s simply exhausting. You just want to yell “dude, can’t we just fucking hang out? Why you gotta be all up in my shit all the time? I’m trying to fucking work here!”. If you do that too much you’re labeled as a bitch, and if you give into it you become the notorious “band slut”. WTF!!! There is no winning either way. It shouldn’t all be on us. I’m pretty sure that if dudes learned a little bit of self control they would realize that something might be gained on their end from working with a chick in that capacity.
This isn’t asking for special treatment. It’s asking why do we always have to be treated like THAT? Some of us love the show atmosphere, driving endless amounts of miles, staying up late, drinking too much, acting like idiots, can go days with out showering, and love being filled with the awesome feeling you get deep in your soul when you see a good fucking band play live. Isn’t there room for us too? Why can’t we just be people with you?
Of course, as I mentioned earlier, this isn’t only on the dudes. Some of you chicks are responsible for this shit too. I remember a very special evening back in October when I was involved in an altercation with the merch girl for a band of some very awesome dudes. She was drunk and fucking crazy and it turns out, she also sucked at her job. Not only did I get attacked and kicked in the head by this chick (and still have a scar on my elbow to prove it) but afterwords had to hear one of the dudes say “that’s it, no more girls on tour”. AWESOME. Thank you so much you fucking crazy idiot, you proved them all right. I try and fight so hard against stereotypes and the reasons presented for discriminating against girls on tour and then I meet someone who embodies all of that awfulness in one person. It makes me want to yell a big FML and then feel like a total jackass for trying to pursue anything that I want to do in the music industry. How can I possibly argue against it when its standing right in front of me?
It makes me wonder what in the fuck is wrong with me sometimes. It seems every field I’ve ever wanted to get involved in is not only male-dominated, but also has profoundly sexist tendencies. Science for me had the president of Harvard University announcing that women can’t do science and math, politics has shown extreme disrespect for women running for the executive branch, the military won’t allow females in combat roles or on submarines, and now there is the music industry, where chicks are apparently only supposed to be the groupies at the shows. Maybe I should have my head examined by now.
In the end though, I care too much about music too much to stand idly by. To say that chicks can work in the music industry, but shouldn’t go on tour is total bullshit. Saying that we can’t handle/shouldn’t want to go on tour is total bullshit. Some of us can and some of us want to, we should be able to. But even with all of my anger I’m not even sure what the solution should be to this issue. Like I said, I’ve met the reasons why dudes don’t want to take chicks on tour. It doesn’t make it okay in my mind because obviously not all chicks are like that but I can see why a band wouldn’t want to take the risk. On the flip side of that though, I have seen some pretty shitty/sketchy merch dudes on tour with bands so really I’m not sure that its totally gender related. Why take them and not me? The only real difference I see is that a band probably DOESNT want to bang their sketchy merch dude. And that to me is only the difference of a little self control.
And honestly its tough for the chicks too. Musicians are attractive a lot of the time even though they don’t shower that often, are usually not making any real money yet, may drink too much, and probably still live with their mom. But if we care enough about what we’re doing, we’ll exercise some self control too. Its just like in the real world people. Men and women can work side by side, just don’t go dipping your pen in the office ink. It starts trouble in any work-place environment. It’s all about a little self-control. On both sides of the coin.
My hope is that someday we’ll learn how to be able to work with each other on the road without all of the bullshit. I think its worth the effort in the end. I would like this to occur sooner rather than later as I would love to be able to go on tour. Its the one thing I know I would for sure love doing in the music industry. That may seem odd as a lot of chicks my age start to get all serious about life, working “real” full time jobs, getting married, hell, even having kids, but this has been what I have wanted to do for a very long time. As a girl who often struggles with having the mentality/sexual drive of a 17 year old boy I can’t think of better place for me to fit in 
I’m going to put Extreme Reggie away now. It was nice to have her around again as I haven’t been able to get through a legitimate post on here in a good many months so it was good to have her energy, focus, and drive back again. I’m a lot happier without her these days and I think its all out of my system now……so until next time…….
yooooooo check my production team’s wordpress and other sites. im part of The Collective branch. bio to come soon hehe miss ya kiddo…….
That is one heck of a ‘click’ moment!!! I was shock when I read the note on your post but, sadly, not surprised. I think what I hope you do, even if it makes you be the ‘bitch’ of the group, is to point sexism when you see it. Perhaps they will label you as the ‘bitch’ but people will also appreciate you for your self-respect and convictions to call things by its name. When we do not say anything, sexism has won because it will become the ‘norm’ (even if it is….)
Follow your dreams with a bulldozer, Reggie!
A-friggen-MEN sista.
<3
Just a little shot from the other side. But perhaps your flip-out about such a minimal thing is the reason this band doesn’t wanna take a girl on tour with them. Perhaps…possibly not. Now you can argue all about how its not a minimal thing…but it is, sorry.
you’re right. it is minimal. the bus driver driving rosa parks around didn’t think it was a big deal for her to move to the back of the bus with all the other black people either. the actions are always minimal when it comes to discrimination, but it doesn’t mean that the impact they have isn’t huge.
any other guys out there feel its not a big deal? please explain why. i’d like to hear your point of view.
what that band said was lame and the delivery of their preference had absolutely no tact, but is it wrong to have a preference in a tourmate?
first you have to breakdown what being on tour really means and understand the job title goes way beyond job “duties” and the work environment goes way beyond that of an office, a store or a restaurant: it’s your home and there is nowhere else to go.
i don’t think it’s unfair to have a preference of who you would want on tour with you based on whatever criteria you decide. whatever the job may be: merch/tm/roadie/etc the duties that person is responsible for are not just their specific task but you have to consider the impact they have on the show/travel/experience/morale/comfort. a grumpy person will bring you down, a drunk will make you look unprofessional, a lazy person won’t get work done, a slob will make everyone uncomfortable, etc etc. male or female, a job on tour with a band is not just the job – it’s the environment and how they affect it that’s almost more important than the job itself. and if some people feel that a female in particular will affect that negatively or upset some balance set forth by the band then who is to deny them that? it’s like picking a roommate to share a room with and also employing them with your own small business.
touring is like camping for an extended period of time. you know which of your friends you could take on a 2 month camping trip and you know the ones that would die the first day. it’s not the life for everyone and i can’t even imagine why anyone male or female would want this life.
10. Can women go on submarines?
Women are not currently assigned to submarine crews because of the very limited habitability and privacy onboard a submarine. However, women have been on submarines for short durations as civilian technicians for specialized equipment testing, family members for one-day dependent cruises, and female midshipmen conducting two-day orientation cruises.
http://www.navy.mil/navydata/cno/n87/faq.html
you can almost equate touring to being in the navy on a submarine. not that i approve of the us navy but here is a little known fact, there are practically NO women allowed on submarines. why? well they state lack of privacy and habitability but do you think that’s really why? bunch of dudes all pent up in a small umcomfortable space for long periods of time underwater to complete a mission is a lot like being in a tour van: tired, hungry, lonely, zombielike.
i’ll be the first to admit this commonly overlooked fact: we…are…all…animals…men, women, animals. capiche?
i’m not implying a woman would get raped and eaten by a hungry crew on a submarine but there are basic animal instincts that can come into play that go way beyond typical office mentality of women and men working in harmony. my point is a tour van and that life is not comparable to 9-5 office life in the public eye and accepted and appreciated as a norm by society. it’s more like sharing an apartment except that apartment is one tiny room with 5-8 people in it separated by bench seats.
ultimately, the best person for the job – any job – should be chosen and there is a lot more than sex to think about when choosing a tourmate.
i forgot to mention great blog and i appreciate you talking so candidly about how you feel, sorry if that didn’t come across in my response!
i appreciate your comments.
i’m going to have to let the discussion on women in the military/submarines alone for now…..that is probably the only other topic that probably gets me as angry as women in music industry.
with that being said. i agree with you for the most part and i do understand your point. i think you were able to articulate it a lot better than i have heard in the past from other people. just saying that girls are crazy and that you may want to have sex with them and that’s why we would be no good on tour is lame. i’m all for legitimate reasoning when it comes to shit like this, but its rare that i ever hear it.
what i also think is important, which you stated yourself is that it is a hard life, and that not everyone is built for it, but that the best person for a job should be chosen to perform it and that there are a lot of other factors that go into choosing someone to work for you in that capacity.
tour is not as glamorous as many people would like to think, and many/most people are not built to handle it, musicians included. there are plenty of people that think its all fun and games on the road and that its all about just hanging out, which it obviously isn’t. this results in a lot of people going on tour that just to be with for that period of time. you really have to like and enjoy a person a lot to not only employ them, but spend weeks/months on end with them stuffed into a van.
as someone who has traveled many many miles the last few months, and essentially currently lives in a van, i’d like to think that i can handle that type of thing, seeing as its already my kind of life. its not always easy or fun, but no one said adventures were always fun. just ask indiana jones.
of course i hope people realize (and if anyone knows me at all) i tend to be “extreme” over things that may seem like not that big of a deal. i like to think its part of my charm. don’t worry i get over it eventually and i did write this in the heat of the moment. i felt it was important to post it anyways as there are not many forums for topics like this very often. i do really appreciate everyone giving such good feedback as i think that its not really a subject that gets discussed very intelligently a lot of the time.
i wish that more dudes could express themselves this articulately on this topic and treat it with the same fairness.
thank you again!!!
anymore dudes have anything to say out there???
I’m down with “Extreme Reggie” and I totally know what you’re saying. But what you need to remember…and I do not mean to offend any of my/our darling friends in bands but…guys in bands are usually very immature.
Its not really entirely their fault, the lifestyle encourages it. You can’t have responsibility like an adult when you are touring. No job, no house, and usually no serious relationship. And how mature can you really feel when you hang out, travel, and play music for a living? That is why when bands want to settle down and grow up, they have to go on hiatus.
Now, back to the issue at hand, there are several reasons for the “no vaginas” rule. Besides the obvious, many dudes do questionable things with even more questionable girls on the road. I know many dudes that love to brag to their male pals about these events, but get all hush hush around me (even though I don’t really give a shit). I think its even worse if you are close friends with a band. Different sides come out on the road and if you are a girl they respect as a friend they probably don’t want you to think any less of them. Even my former boyfriend didn’t like to get drunk around me because he didn’t want to look dumb in front of me.
Not in anyway defending the rule, and I totally don’t agree, just giving reasons I’ve heard.
Another is the male bonding experience. I dont get it, but for some reason tour is this super close experience for dudes. After which, they refer to each other as brothers. Heaven forbid a girl be there to ruin that.
If a box of tampons can really change the tone of a tour, you need to grow up.
Lets face facts, there are many shitty girls who have ruined it for girls like us. I have a reputation for banging band guys when I haven’t slept with anyone I wasn’t dating! And I think it unfortunately is worse if you’re attractive. Its lame. I have been friends with dudes mostly since I was a kid. I personally don’t get along with most girls but have no problem with dudes.
Any girl with self respect should be able to go on tour. Any girl who can hold her liquor should be able to go on tour. Any girl who doesn’t sweat the small stuff can go on tour. Really the only girls who SHOULD NOT go are girlfriends. Always drama!
However, one band I know and love usually tours with several girls. They had a female keyboard player, tour manager, and merch girl. Well the merch girl decided to band some dude in a bathroom in I think South Dakota and they had to bail her out of jail and both of them had to register as sex offenders. So really, I think it depends on the person!
If a band told me there was a “no vaginas” rule, I would tell them my vagina has a “no band penises” rule so they cancel each other out
And anyway, don’t they know they will sell waaaaaay more merch with a girl working the table?
shut the fuck up and get back in the kitchen.
I only come here to see if you’ve mentioned myself or my penis.
So far, no luck.
But seriously, sexism sucks. If I weren’t on my phone I would type a longer response.