at the starting line February 21, 2008

A friend posted a blog today on Myspace informing people about a blog that is posted by another friend of mine.  I happen to live in his old room.  I read his blogs and was surprised to find such a developed writer in a friend I have known for such a long time.

I was impressed with his ability to put his writing out there.  It’s something I’ve never had the guts to do.  Which is ironic because I have had courage for much more difficult things in my life.

One thought stuck with me.  My friend wanted to support and encourage my other friend’s writing.  Both of my friends are males and it got me to thinking about the friendships I have in my everyday life.  I have some deep connections with people that I don’t even talk to on a regular basis anymore.  Some of them live down the street and because of one reason or another its too hard for us to be as close as we were.  For some of my other friends its merely a matter of distance, or a loss of communication.

I reflected on some of my current friendships and felt how superficial some of them can feel sometimes.  Especially my relationships with my male friends.  Part of it could be considered my fault for not keeping behind a line between friendship and physical intimacy, or part of it could be that I feel things that are simply not really there.  I spend a lot of time with musicians, and most (or almost all) tend to be of the male persuasion.

I began to feel that there is a wall between me and my male friends.  Not something that is necessarily always felt.  Its more a subtle feeling that I get only sometimes.  Being a girl that has always related to boys better than girls, I still can never really be one of them.  They encourage and support each other in a way that they will never support me.  I feel that most accept me as a girl above the rest, one that can hold her own and never goes “girl crazy” as I like to put it.  But there is still a barrier there.  A subtle lack of respect.  A little pat on the back for saying smart things or being funny but lacking a deeper connection of really caring about my expression of thoughts or emotions.  Most times I feel disregarded and forgotten.  Out of sight out of mind if you will.

I guess you could link these feelings to my father, a person with whom I have zero relationship.  Most of this is his fault for not being there in my childhood, today it lies on both of us for not making an effort.  I simply feel that there is nothing there.  The only emotion I tend to feel when it comes to my father is an sadness because of his absence in my life.  The two relationships I have had in my life have made me feel the same as my relationship with my father does, I know they loved me but there was always just something missing.  You can say you love someone but they can’t ever really know you mean it unless you show them.

I have always prided myself on the fact that, for the most part, I have control over my thoughts and emotions, but since I’ve come back home I feel like the floodgates were opened and everything has come flowing out.  Its a gap I just can’t seem to close and it makes me feel a little lost and a little too vulnerable.  Everyone tells me it will take time, but how much time?  Will it ever really go away?  Of course the pessimist in me is not so sure.

I’ve had to start asking help from God again.  I try and deny the need for the concept of God in my life but in reality it is a very real need and it can’t be ignored.  Despite the logic in my brain telling me that the idea is sometimes silly, but the concept keeps prevailing.  Sometimes we need to abandon logic and seek out comfort, no matter how much that need confuses the more evolved portions of our brains.  The only feeling I can equate it to is being in love with someone who doesn’t want you back.  I can just dismiss my needs.  I can’t ignore the feelings in my heart.

Only God can really help me feel comforted, to help me feel less alone, to feel that my life has a purpose.  That despite my disconnection that someday I’ll be able to find that missing piece again.  Maybe not in the way I hope or imagine, but I won’t be left hanging in the end.  Even if my hope is a foolish one, its all I now have to hold on to.